Why aren't these sports? Brahma Bull Bit ch-Slapping contests? Steel-tipped dart matches for the blind? Shooting contests for epileptics? Poke-a-Pitbull in the eye contest? French kiss a gator event?

Want to find out anything,just ask me. I have nothing to hide.. I live in a small town (3,000) called Elwood, IL, about 45 miles or so southwest of Chicago, and 5 miles south of Joliet. I am an avid reader, my faves being Janet Evanovich, Dean Koontz, and Richard Marcinko.

I speak 3 languages, the others being Spanish and German( so-so). I Love my Bears, and my Sox, and Notre Dame and Army in NCAA.

I was in the army from '82-'85, and then again from '86-'92. I was stationed in Texas for the first 3 yrs, Louisiana when I went back in in '86, then I was sent to Germany for 2 1/2 yrs, from which I was sent to Saudi Arabia for Desert Storm. When we all returned from there, we went back to Germany for about 3 months, and then we were sent where the army needed us. I was sent to Georgia for what ended up being my final year. I have been divorced since 1993, and have no kids.

From 1994 til 2002, I worked as a Sheriff's Deputy (Corrections) at Cook County jail at 26th & California in Chicago. I resigned due to getting burned out from working maximum security for about 7 1/2 years out of the 8 1/2 yrs I worked there. I was raised in the south suburbs, Tinley Park, to be exact.

I'm a extremely low maintenance guy. I'm trying to get into doing voice-over work, hopefully those that live around Chicago will hear my voice on the radio, or on tv. Also, along the way, I picked up the skills to be a masseur, and I'm pretty good at it, ifidosaysomyself..

I'm looking for youngins.. No, just kidding. It'd be great to meet someone within a few years EITHER side of my age.

I have spent a total of 4 hours in jail in my life, due to breaking a guy's jaw down in Texas. When I was just 19, I was at a bar with some friends, and a dude walked up, and grabbed by buddie's wife's butt, so I hit him once with all I had. I was treated like a hero the next time I went back there because this guy had political connections, and I didn't know that.. LOL. BTW, all charges were dropped.

I have two lists in my head. Friends/people that I'll give/take a butt whipping for, and people I'll take a bullet for. Most of my friends fall into the first, but a select few- my true friends- fall into the latter.

I have a very high tolerance for buttheads,but if you hear me swear, look out. A total of 17 years in the army,and as a deputy,I swear less than a 10 year old. I have a very good sense of humor, and it tends to be on the dark side. I have watched Faces of Death while eating food on a few occasions, but yet cringe at looking at an operation on tv.

I have an eclectic taste in music. I like everything BUT opera and rap. Classical,Rock,Country,Celtic are my faves,tho..

Here's one of the better poems I've written here. It took all of about 20 minutes to write.

Here I sit, all confounded
The Cops say that my home's surrounded
I didn't do it, I swear it's true
I'm not the one that did this all to you

There they go, using the horn
Loud as hell, and it's just morn
They say I've got till they count to ten
Will I ever see my friends again??

They are mistaken, it can't be me,
I don't live at 113
Across the street- he's over there
He's the guy stealing underwear.

They throw in smoke, can't they read?
Now they're shooting, I start to bleed
Only a fleshwound, stay on the floor
I wasn't the pervert at her door.

He's over there again I say
Why won't they just go away?
He's the panty thief, not me, I think
Damn, they just shot up my sink.

He comes over to look-see
Why they are shooting at me
Catch him now, he's there, it's HIM
Damn, my future's looking grim.

He walks away, back to his house
Catch that greasy, ugly louse
A cop looks over, and what's he see?
The Perv has enetered 113.
It's there he says, across the street
The shooting stops, I've wet my feet.

They walk across, then knock, and grab
While I thought about a slab
at the ER, no, down in The Morgue
That nasty place where they take The Borg.

They haul his sorry butt to jail,
lights are flashing,sirens wail
But what of me, I scream, I shout
Why're all my windows shot out?

Who's gonna fix it all I ask
The Chief says Sorry, Not our task
You stupid A$$, can't you delve,
that your good 'ol BOYS shot up 112?

LEGAL DISCLAIMER* Real street addresses were used in this story, but no names were used because the "Freedom of Information Act" sheet was also shot up. Any similarity between the pervert at 113,and any other person, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. Sully was treated and released on the scene, but his porn collection, and a box of donuts were confiscated by the Elwood Police Department. Barney Fife, Sheriff at Large