(WARNING!! This introduction contains strong sarcasm which may not be suitable for children or people without sense of humor. See my Blog for further explanation. Readers discretion advised. Ask your doctor if you are able to tell fiction from reality before continuing. Proceed with caution!)

Praised as one of the most exciting conductors of his generation, Maestro Sebastian has achieved the impossible in just a few short years. Standing 5'11, weigh 158 lb, Maestro is handsome and cute at the same time. With a killer sense of humor, very often he gets nothing done at the rehearsals because musicians would laugh so hard that they couldn't hold a note. Two and a half feet in length for each of his arms, he very often pokes the first stand string players with his baton, sometimes in the eyes, to get their attentions. A future hall of famer, during the 2000-2001 season, he averaged 27 assists/upbeats, 377 cues and 14 blocks of wrong notes per concert, scored triple-double in every performance he conducted, a record that still leads the NBA (National Beating Association) today. After moving to the US in 1997, he was voted by fans around the world as the starting conductor for the All Star Concert 8 years in a row. In the 2001-02 season, due to injury of his right wrist, Maestro missed 127 concerts in two months, including conducting against the renowned National Symphony of Afghanistan and the Alaska Eskimo Philharmonic. However, he didn't waste these two months chasing girls. Instead, he attended the Royal Page Turning School in Manhattan, South Carolina, and refined his page turning skill with his healthy left hand. In two months of training, Maestro achieved unthinkable page turning speed of 162 pages per minute, that's 2.7 pages per second. Before the injury, Maestro holds the record of conducting 337 beats per minute with his right hand, at the tempo of 57 per minute. Only the second man to accomplish this in the history of music, he is only two beats behind Valerie Gergiev, the Music Director of the Mariinsky Theatre in St. Petersburg.

A champion of contemporary music, Maestro premiered numerous new works and introduced many great unknown struggling composers to the world. His recording of Honda Accord's piece "Symphony in all major keys except the 12 difficult ones", published by Sears Tower Records, has won two Grammies so far. Working closely with Russian composer Alexander Alexandvich Alexvinsky, he recorded his "Unbegun Symphony" and has been chosen as the editor's choice by the Deutsch Gramophone magazine for 3 years in a row. The Finale of the Symphony, titled "A Movement that never Ends" actually ends with all 24 major and minor chords, an idea from the Maestro to the composer, has inspired the young generation of composers.

Traveled around the world, Maestro makes Chicago his current home. He lives with two of his beautiful imaginary friends, Heather and Olga, a real cat named Abigor von Mufkins, and his 50-inch Majestic Samsung DLP. His future engagements include a concert on Mars with the Little Green People Symphony in the year of 2057, and the White Night Festival in North Pole here on earth, which will feature his new composition "Prelude for the City that Never Sleeps", sponsored by City-Bank. Currently, he is also working on his first opera cycle, titled "Realtor on the Roof", commissioned by Century 22.

The Maestro conducts with a Stradivali baton custom made for him in 1775 in London, Italy, which is extremely balanced, literally runs by itself, and operates without battery. The three largest museums in the world today, New York Metropolitan, St. Petersburg Heritage and Paris Louvre, have all contacted the Maestro for the exclusive right to exhibit this baton after his scheduled death sometime around 2085. Prophet has it that the Maestro will be assassinated shortly after receiving the Nobel Prize in 2084 for his achievement in arts and music, and contributions to the mankind at the UN. The Maestro, however, prefers to die on the podium while conducting Tchaikovsky or Rachmaninoff. Cast your vote today! Text messaging A if you want to see the Maestro assassinated, B if you want to see him die conducting Tchaikovsky or C for Rachmaninoff. OR, marry him if you want to see him die unhappy and broke!

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The first thing I like to do upon entering a stranger's house is hunt for their diary. I grew up in Taiwan, but I left because it is a known fact that at age four all Taiwanese children are sent to work in inadequately ventilated warehouses where they spend interminable years stitching together brand name sportswear, the very same convicting brand name sportswear that I cavort around in when shopping at Whole Foods. Wearing gym clothes to Whole Foods gives me the appearance of a healthier lifestyle; I am less judged when I order an extra slice of bacon on my deli-sandwich.

I feel it is untrue when others make the claim that "Asian people can't drive". Oh, indeed. Asian people can drive, we just drive slowly. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan--the official spokesperson for White America--is busy proving that white people are only capable of driving into one another. I often wonder what would happen if several PETA activists were thrown into a den of hungry lions. I wonder about this a lot while I'm ordering that extra slice of bacon on my deli-sandwich.

I hate it when friends invite me to their eight-year old daughter's piano recitals. Just because I'm a musician doesn't mean I enjoy all distorted and awkward attempts at music. Unless an eight-year old grew up under the lonely Communist paranoia of war-torn Russia, I feel their crippled rendition of "Mary's Little Lamb" lacks emotion and credibility. I need a new set of friends, which is why I am here.

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What they say about the Maestro - Results from FDA approved personality tests with comments from the Maestro himself

"You're highly unique, as only 6 of men your age have the same personality type." (Probably the top 6!) "The fact that you're a smart person who is more able to understand complex concepts than many other people are really draws people to you!" (Huh? What does this mean? It's too complex, I don't understand! Ha ha!) "You can be somewhat hard to pin down because you have a wonderful natural curiosity about life." (What can I say? I am a Gemini!) "We've found that your particular combination of qualities is rare: only 3 in 10,000 people share the same general mix of traits." (They are Einstein, Spiderman and Carlos Kleiber.)"You like to take time to really get to know people in your life, especially your partner." (Yes, too much time I am afraid! Now I know why I am still single!!)

Broadcasting from the Maestro's residence, this is the Maestro speaking. The architect is my enemy, you can call me Oracle, and don't worry about the vase. Yes, THAT vase.

Highly educated (DMA, Post Graduate in Russia), well-traveled (America, Asia, Europe), speak multiple languages. Passion about life, fine arts, music, and anything that's beautiful (a cloud, a sound, a heart, a glimpse...) Not a beer drinker. Not a sports maniac. Not a one night stand seeker. A thinker with a fervent heart and sensitive soul. Wait, this begins to sound really boring now! zzzzzZZZZ! Didn't mean to drive you away! What are you waiting for? Don't delay, call today! 1-800-Vampire, today!
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An internationally acclaimed conductor just announced his international search for the position of Principal Friend in metropolitan Chicago area. This position pays nothing but occasional meals with the Maestro. Unlimited laughter and the access to his concerts are included in the stipend. The Maestro is looking for an extremely beautiful creature, inside and out, who is curious about life and culture, has a passion for animal, travel and music, with a great sense of humor and the capability to carry a meaningful conversation. Ability to drive a plus, shower daily required. Must be willing to learn how to operate a digital camera and camcorder. Able to sing in tune will be given higher priority. Libra, Gemini and Aquarius are encouraged, Cancer, Sagittarius, Aries, Taurus, Capricorn and Scorpio are welcome, Virgo and Pisces will be considered. Leo, depending on individual situation, will be determined at the interview. This position is one year renewable. Successful candidates will be extremely beautiful, eligibilities include, but not limited to, the ability to write out the scores of at least 10 symphonies of the Romantic Era from memory, well read, well educated, well traveled, speak 3 languages or more. Up to 3 finalists will be selected; each will accompany the Maestro to 3 concerts given by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra during the 2005-2006 season, in the Symphony Center on Michigan Avenue. Written report of no less than 5000 words after each concert is expected and will be evaluated. Whoever wins the position will accompany the Maestro to the grand opening of his new 4-act opera ¡§Realtors on the Roof¡¨ in Fall 2007 at the MET Opera, New York, and Spring 2008, at La Scala Opera, Italy, if staged. The Maestro has noticed quite a few beautiful girls at his concerts in the past, was amazed that beautiful girls DO go to classical concerts, and regrets that they never came backstage and say hi. If you sat in row 11 on the right hand side in a classical concert this past April, you are automatically a semi-finalist. Interested individuals should respond with a fully-dressed frontal picture with your face clearly shows, no hat, no make-ups, clear background, a short biography, and a brief essay explaining why you will be ideal for this position. No phone or fax inquiries, do not send a video or audio tape at this time. Don't miss this rare and wonderful opportunity, apply today! You have nothing to lose but the joy of a lifetime to gain. Position open until filled. Please be SANE and emotionally available. The Maestro is an equal opportunity employer.

What they say - Another results from FDA approved personality tests

"Over all, you prefer women who are very similar to you." (Which means I have to find one of "THE 3" in every 10,000 women!) "Your ideal match is warm, knowing and isn't afraid to go after her goals. She tends to be patient with people, too. And if that isn't enough, she pretty much sets the standard for emotional health by being filled with positive feelings and energy - energy she radiates out onto those around her." (Really? Like, ComEd?)

Any one who is creative with vivid imagination, whose name is pronounceable, or not, who possesses some kind of talent, whether in music, arts, writing, dancing, painting, photography, sports, poetry, predicting the future, eating a lot without feeling full, driving a car without any gas in it, making food on the table or money in my wallet disappear, helping old ladies cross the streets, cheating on card games without getting caught, bending a spoon with her will, anything.